Let’s try this again, shall we?

Over the course of the last year, I’ve thought several times about penning blog entries. I thought, “The byline of my blog is adventures in mental health, theology, and cats. Wouldn’t 2020 be the perfect year to explore all of that? To build a platform?” Yes, yes, it would.

But I didn’t do it. At times I couldn’t bring myself to write, whether that was not knowing what to say or feeling too overcome and depressed to search for words. At other times, it felt cheap, like I would be taking advantage of a difficult year; it didn’t feel right to write. Other times still, I just didn’t want to.

I still don’t want to. I feel internal pressure to do some sort of year in review for myself, to highlight the good and bad of my year. It is not lost on me that the last thing I wrote here was an Advent reflection, and now we have come to another Advent. But I don’t think I will.

There is the temptation to say “Well, that was terrible” and move on to 2021 as if the changing of the calendar page will cure all our woes. Opting to move forward without a recap is not that, though. I think all of the things I experienced this year were meant to be experienced privately, away from the eyes and ears of the Internet. And since I am still processing this year, it would not be best for me to begin to share.

I am hopeful that in the months to come, I can revisit this blog and begin sharing pieces of my inner world again. I have a tendency in myself to scramble for social media for a knee-jerk response to, well, anything. This year has greatly squashed my need to speak immediately. In fact, I have been chewing on this post itself for about a month. But not writing doesn’t mean I haven’t had a lot going on. The Lord has been at work in me all year, but right now I don’t have the words or the desire to share it.

I do not have a wide readership here. Perhaps someday I’d like to. But that is a question for another day. Today, I am here, I am alive. I am pressing forward. I think that’s enough for right now. That’s all I can ask of myself today.

Perhaps I will pen an Advent reflection or two as we make the final hike to Christmas. We will see. If not, I wish you all a tender, sweet holiday, filled with all hope, love, joy, peace.

Per aspera ad astra,

Stephanie

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